I Am Not Brad Pitt

I Am Not Brad Pitt and Other Stories is a collection of 3 stories that take a dark satiric look at our culture’s obsession with celebrity. Imagine if Stephen King replaced all of the characters in his books with actual famous people.

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In the title story, “I Am Not Brad Pitt,” Tobey is a young man who realizes after seeing Thelma and Louise that he looks exactly like Brad Pitt. He soon learns to use his looks to score with women, get better tables at restaurants, get ahead at work, and gets used to the idea of “Being Brad.” However, after a string of meaningless relationships, where women wanted him more as arm candy, he finally meets Sophie, a woman who could care less about his looks and more about who he is. The problem is that he’s not quite sure who he is anymore.

He settles down with Sophie, still secretly harboring a deep-seated hunger to “Become Brad.” After Oceans 11 has come out, during a drunken night with co-workers on a business trip in Las Vegas, he decides it’s time to bring out Brad. He quickly becomes Oceans 11 Brad and amazes himself and his co-workers by scoring a private room in a top restaurant with his looks. After dinner, when his co-workers go off to gamble, Tobey is not finished with Brad. He wants more, adulation, more recognition. He drops into a top celebrity nightclub and gets the attention of the paparazzi. And the real Brad Pitt.

Tobey is summoned to Brad’s Malibu home where Brad makes him an offer he can’t refuse. But it comes down to a choice between Brad and Sophie and he reluctantly turns down Brad.

But Brad Pitt does not take no for an answer. Two can play at this impersonation game. The war has begun.

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In the second story, “Please Allow me to Introduce Myself,” Darla is a singer for a band in New York City. The band has a loyal following, they have steady gigs, but they’re stalled out. The band’s leaders are content with their status; however, Darla wants more. She’s hitting her 30’s and still bussing tables and she wants to make singing a career.

Out of nowhere Keith Richards shows up at gig in Queens on a Thursday night, congratulates the band for a great set and he wants to meet Darla later for a drink. Darla is a little freaked out by the attention, but its Freakin Keith Richards, so she goes to meet him and eventually finds out what we have all long suspected. Keith is a vampire.

In this update of the vampire legend, only those with a certain type of blood can become immortal and Darla has that blood. Now she has a choice to make, she can have a dream singing career assisted by Keith Richards but first she must become a vampire.

This decision becomes more complicated as Bob Dylan suddenly shows up after a gig to warn her to stay away from Keith Richards. Is Bob Dylan a celebrity vampire hunter? Does Darla heed his warning or incur his wrath and what other famous vampires will turn up to counsel her?

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No treatise on fame in the 21st century could be considered complete without a story about The Kardashians. In “Keeping Compliant with the Kardashians” we meet Maddy Ellis who is a DC fixer extraordinaire. When a politician is in trouble from a personal scandal, she is the one who can make it right. However, after years of handling so much dirty laundry, she has a crisis of consciousness and decides to close up shop. She’s quickly wooed by ME Communications in sunny Los Angeles and is offered an obscene amount of money to become the Political Advisor for Kim Kardashian.

As Maddy gets closer and closer to the Kardashians, she soon starts to unravel the mystery of why the Kardashians are hell-bent on world-wide domination. But can she stop them?